Long-Lost Relatives

According to some study... done recently... somewhere... they found that people that watch a lot of television and movies felt that they had more friends than those that did not watch a lot of television and movies. People that had favorite television shows actually developed emotional attachments to characters on these shows that could be described as friendship- and in some instances, the relationship becomes almost familial. After reading this article, let me introduce you to some of my long-lost relatives (spanning some 27+ years of television viewing).

Cool, Rich Cousin: Ricky Stratton (played by Rickey Schroder). I loved Silver Spoons and when pressed, I can still sing the theme song on demand. I was envious of everything Ricky had (including the train that went through the house). Although I was only 7, somehow I knew that the pull Erin Gray (as Kate Stratton) had on me was not and should not be familial.

The So-Uncool that he was Cool relative you wouldn't admit to being related too: Steve Urkel (played by Jaleel White). I recall not really enjoying the show Family Matters until some episode well into the 1st season introduced a lad with high-water pants, glasses, suspenders and a laugh that came from the depth of his nostrils. Basically, I related because I was the white version of him in the 5th grade. I didn't watch this show very much, but if it was on in the other room and I heard Urkel, I was hypnotically drawn to the tv.

That Ultra-Religious Great-Aunt or Uncle that always has gross hard candy shaped like fruit in a glass bowl in the kitchen: Ned Flanders (voiced by the brilliant Harry Shearer). The Simpsons is always brilliant, but particularly when Flanders (and Mr. Burns) are allowed to be featured.

Sample Line: [Discussing Science versus Religion] Flanders- Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.

and...

[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Dr. Hibbert] Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer. I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.

We all know the crazy aunt or uncle that has said practically the same thing every New Year's Eve.

Finally (although I could go on for days naming close relatives from shows such as Arrested Development, Top Chef, Project Runway, Lost, Amazing Race, etc.), The Relative that always says the wrong thing at the wrong time (and has no tact what-so-ever), Dwight Schrute (brillantly played by Rainn Wilson). Even in the not-so-great hour long 4th season episodes, Dwight is that relative that everyone "forgets" to invite to family events but always manages to show up anyway. Of course if you have a Dwight in your family, chances are you have a Jim as well which will lead to dialogue such as:

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.

Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?

Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

MORE SAMPLE DIALOGUE:

Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good.