Beepin' Night

4:30am Friday night/Saturday morning. Jackie is out of town with her mom, sister and father's 1st wife (not to be confused with polygamous term, "Wife #1"). I awaken to the sound of a "beep". I've heard the sound before and I think it's one of our 14 smoke alarms in the house notifying me that the battery is running down. I close my eyes and said to myself, "Jackie would make you get up now and find the source. She's not here, go back to sleep."

5 minutes later:

"beep".

Just once. Eyes open, Jackie still not there, eyes close.

5 minutes later:

"beep, beep, beep".

I sit up and say to myself, if it wakes the girls, there will be no getting them back down. Better find which alarm it is. I get up in my under-altogethers and begin to roam the house in the dark.

No beep for a few minutes as I lay perfectly still, ready to strike.

I get back in bed. The second my head hits the pillow:

"beep, beep, beep".

Back up, I realize the house is freezing. I turn on the heat and perch on the stairs waiting for the next series of beeps. I sort of doze off on the stairs when I hear the beeps again. They sound like they're behind me. Tricky little bas*****. I'm onto their game. I perch in Millie's doorway thinking it's the alarm in her room (and praying she doesn't wake up).

"beep, beep, beep, beep". Four this time!

And from downstairs! I go and turn on the light in the dining room hoping the neighbors don't happen to look into the dining room to see the ward music director standing in his garments in the middle of the kitchen in pose much like a puma ready to pounce, waiting for the next series of beeps.

"beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep"- really fast.

It is now openly taunting me. I grab the broom and begin whacking the smoke alarm that is high up on our dining room ceiling. No beeps occur during this. I wait for a few minutes thinking the problem is now solved.

"beep".

A curse word slips out of my mouth as I whirl around because it sounds like it's behind me. I go into the front room and sit on the couch only to find myself fully illuminated from the headlights of our neighbors truck. I don't care anymore. Let our non-English speaking furniture making neighbor see me in my shame.

"beep".

Forget it. I'll find it in the morning.

I go back to bed and fall asleep.

The next morning I go downstairs to make the girls breakfast.

"beep". I realize it's the phone in the kitchen. I search for a moment to see why it's beeping and nothing seems to be amiss. I solve the problem by unplugging it.