Sass

My 2-year old daughter has stopped addressing me as "Daddy" and now calls me "Sassy Clin". She also calls her mother "Sassy Clin". I think it stems from a few months ago when she would say something mean or yell something, we would tell her to stop being sassy. Now that this is my new name, I am assuming that the word "sassy" means awesome. So, here is my list of sassy and not-so-sassy things:

Full O'Sass

• The fact that "Falling Slowly" from Once won Best Song. I saw Once in St. Louis and fell in love with it. When I bought my ipod, it was the first album I uploaded. We listen to it a lot in our house and I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that Millie can sing all the words to "Broken Hearted Hoover Fixer Sucker Guy." It is a fun song to sing while in the bathtub.




• Film Noir movies. I just finished teaching this unit in my film class and nothing beats the February blahs like Double Indemnity. Even better is this unit leads us into our unit on Billy Wilder so I get to watch Stalag 17 next week.




• The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. If you get the chance to see it, take it. It's one of the funniest and most original musicals out there. The script is hilarious. I'm so excited to be taking a group to it on Sat. because they don't know what they're in for. I saw it 3 years ago (standing room ticket for $25) and fell in love with it.


• Apollo Burgers french fries and fry sauce- their gyros are good too.


• The Arabian Nights If my cast can get memorized, I will proclaim it Full O'Sass because it's so different than anything I've directed before and the cast has lots of sophomores- and they're coming along nicely (if they get memorized).


• Bradley's Cyrano de Bergerac. This was a fantastic play directed by my colleague Bradley Moss for the high school. They looked and sounded great.


• The Tudors. Jackie doesn't it like it as much as me, but until she starts her own blog, you'll just get my opinion. 3 sassy stars.



• This American Life. Finally saw one of the episodes as a bonus feature on The Tudors. It was about a Utah painter that paints pictures of the Savior- and his atheist model and his former LDS girlfriend. It was awesome. I think Ira Glass is a genius.



• Parent Teacher Conferences- I have a student teacher so I got to spend time mingling with my favorite teachers and colleagues. Conferences go so much easier when you don't have to talk to parents.


• Everyone going on our New York trip this summer. This is going to be a sassy trip. I don't know what we'll do without one of our shows containing full frontal nudity- but I'll see if I can muster something up. Hopefully it will occur on a subway.


• ABC's production of A Raisin in the Sun. Sean Combs did not embarrass himself and Audra McDonald and Phylicia Rashad were amazing. It was odd that after viewing this production, Jackie and I had a fight about what should be left out on our night stands when company comes over.


• Stephen Sondheim's Company revival. I know a lot of my MDT students watched it and probably thought it was odd- but it's an amazing show, great concept and Raul Esparza is incredible.
  
• My new black jacket that doesn't smell like baby vomit (yet).



• Utah School of Massage Therapy 2 for 1 weekends. As long as I have a competent sheet wrapper (I believe in modesty above all else), this is awesome.
  

Sass-less

• The guy that flipped me off while I was picking up props with my daughter. Dude, I was slowing down because the car in front had STOPPED!


• People that come 40 minutes late to a play to only get extra credit in English class. Just give me your $4, get your program and leave. Don't stay in the auditorium and text your friend the whole time.


• Students that NEVER have paper or pencil in class- and even 6 months into school will ask you if they can borrow one knowing I NEVER LOAN OUT MY PENS!! I have a hard enough time keeping track of them.


• Parents/Audience members that criticize the cost of a school play being $4 or $5 and want a senior or family rate. They don't complain going to see a movie for $7 or $8, but going to see THERE OWN CHILD in a production they've worked on for 3 months and griping about the cost... that's sass-less.

Bedtime

I've always been a morning person. From the earliest that I can recall, I am happiest and most productive in the morning hours. Even in college with deadlines looming the following day, I would go to bed around 11:00pm and get up early in the morning to finish. It was not worth it to me to pull an all nighter- and I don't ever think I've stayed up through an entire night (but maybe I was so incoherent I don't recall it).

It probably comes as no surprise that I married a night person. When Jackie and I were first married, I thought she'd be happy with me awaking with the dawn, dancing around the bed and singing a cute made-up ditty like, "Hurry Jackie time to pee, go and make some waffles for me". Only when her glasses case came into hard contact with my genitals did Jackie make her point. Whereas I normally wake up exactly 2 minutes before my alarm goes off, Jackie has several stages of waking.

The first stage is putting her head completely under the pillow. Sometimes I'll get out of the shower and think she's not there because she has completely camoflauged herself into the bedding. The only thing that gives her away is her big toe sticking out of the comforter.

The second stage is throwing our 2-year old daughter, Millie, on her. Reactions vary. (This is a variation on a game I call "Pounce").

The third stage is telling me, "I'M AWAKE" while lying under the covers, eyes closed, accompanied by deep, rythmic breathing.

The fourth stage is opening her eyes and staring at 8-month old Ellis who I have deposited on her head. This stage is usually accompanied by some form of hair loss (thanks to Ellis's firm and hearty grip).

The fifth stage is "the vertical stage". Like a cute newborn colt, just because Jackie is vertical doesn't mean she's found her equalibrium. Keep all obstacles out her path until she is safely sequestered in the shower.

Of course, having children has thrown both of our sleeping schedules off, but more-so Jackie than me. From the time they were really little, we've tried to get both our daughter on a firm sleeping schedule. This was more selfishness on our part than anything else. Luckily, the writer's strike was on when Millie had to be put down to bed over 35 times (no joke). We'd follow Supernanny's advice and each time we find her out of her room, when we put her back, we didn't react (postively or negatively) and we don't talk to her. We just simply pick her up and put her back in her bed. Of course, she then proceeds to stick her finger in my ear and she tries to bite Jackie to get a reaction out of us- but we are not moved (although I did break into stifled laughter when she told me to "go have a bowel movement" the 14th or 15th time back to her room).

So, enjoy your sleep tonight. I will be tucked in bed at 10:00pm sharp, Jackie will be reading until around 11:00pm. Excuse me while I go put our 2-year old back in bed.

Amazon Warrior

So while our home has been invaded by the Northlake 1st Ward Young Women (I allow it because they are making raspberry cheesecake and I am the official sampler...) I decided to clean out my email inbox. Which then lead me to orders I've put in at Amazon.com over the past two months.
Now, I have loved Amazon.com ever since it first came out. Back in 1998 I made my first internet transaction by buying a Dave Matthews Band CD off of Amazon- and I have been true ever since. Here are a few recent transactions I thought people would enjoy:

• 5 pairs of Finger Cymbals (ordered Feb. 2008): Ordered for my upcoming production of The Arabian Nights. While the cymbals are very affordable, thanks to the saavy design of Amazon, I was quickly led further into the world of bellydancing. Do you realize that a complete bellydancing outfit can run you over $300? And that's not including the wrist, ankle, throat and hair baubles.
• Krazy Komedies and Smiles & Spectacles (ordered Feb. 2008): Apparently silent film comedies are made all the more hilarious by mispelling words. Both are DVD's for my Film class (the 1st is Keystone Cops and the 2nd is Harold Lloyd). Millie enjoyed the Harold Lloyd DVD for Family Home Evening (however, even I was confused by the plot which involved a grandmother with supernatural powers).
• 5 tambourines (ordered Nov. 2007): I guess I could form a band of finger cymbals and tambourines. We would be a lame band... but a band nonetheless.
• Stainless Steel Flask (ordered Nov. 2007): For drinking Mountain Dew in Elder's Quorum. Fits nicely in my thigh garter.
• 5" Gong (ordered Nov. 2007): The band just got lamer.
• Butterfly Net (ordered Nov. 2007): Just scanning over all November's orders, you're probably wondering what kind of kinky Thanksgiving celebrations we have at our house.
• 8 Broadway Musical CD's (ordered throughout the year of 2007): A mix of CD's for both home and school.
• Serendipity Frozen Hot Chocolate Mix (Nov. 2006): A sinful elixer that you mix in a blender. I blame this drink for our 2nd child (in conjunction with a trip to Las Vegas and a stressful trip to New York City).
• Film Theory and Criticism (Jan. 2006): A flashback to graduate school at BYU. I only underlined 2 words in the entire book and I can't even remember those. A fun textbook to curl up by the fire with (and tear out random pages to keep the fire going).
• A variety of Lush lip balms (Dec. 2005): All for Jackie's Christmas stocking. Found one of these under Millie's bed the other night.
• Angels on Bare Skin (Mar. 2005): I have no idea what this is, where it is now, who it was for or why it was ordered. It's either a marital aide or something for Millie or Jackie when she was born (Millie... not Jackie).
• Hands on a Hard Body (Apr. 2002): This is actually a documentary about people that try to win a car by seeing who can leave their hand on it the longest- however, when I went to catalogue it with the school library, they changed the title to Survivor. I still wait for some Film Studies student to go home and tell their parents at dinner that they watched Hands on a Hard Body in class. I await the phone call.
• The Dirty Boogie (Sept. 1998): Once again, I have no idea what this is so I'm assuming it was a "honeymoon gift" for a cousin (that I probably read in full before mailing off). I hope it's not under Jackie's side of the bed next to a Lush lip balm.

Long-Lost Relatives

According to some study... done recently... somewhere... they found that people that watch a lot of television and movies felt that they had more friends than those that did not watch a lot of television and movies. People that had favorite television shows actually developed emotional attachments to characters on these shows that could be described as friendship- and in some instances, the relationship becomes almost familial. After reading this article, let me introduce you to some of my long-lost relatives (spanning some 27+ years of television viewing).

Cool, Rich Cousin: Ricky Stratton (played by Rickey Schroder). I loved Silver Spoons and when pressed, I can still sing the theme song on demand. I was envious of everything Ricky had (including the train that went through the house). Although I was only 7, somehow I knew that the pull Erin Gray (as Kate Stratton) had on me was not and should not be familial.

The So-Uncool that he was Cool relative you wouldn't admit to being related too: Steve Urkel (played by Jaleel White). I recall not really enjoying the show Family Matters until some episode well into the 1st season introduced a lad with high-water pants, glasses, suspenders and a laugh that came from the depth of his nostrils. Basically, I related because I was the white version of him in the 5th grade. I didn't watch this show very much, but if it was on in the other room and I heard Urkel, I was hypnotically drawn to the tv.

That Ultra-Religious Great-Aunt or Uncle that always has gross hard candy shaped like fruit in a glass bowl in the kitchen: Ned Flanders (voiced by the brilliant Harry Shearer). The Simpsons is always brilliant, but particularly when Flanders (and Mr. Burns) are allowed to be featured.

Sample Line: [Discussing Science versus Religion] Flanders- Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.

and...

[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Dr. Hibbert] Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer. I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.

We all know the crazy aunt or uncle that has said practically the same thing every New Year's Eve.

Finally (although I could go on for days naming close relatives from shows such as Arrested Development, Top Chef, Project Runway, Lost, Amazing Race, etc.), The Relative that always says the wrong thing at the wrong time (and has no tact what-so-ever), Dwight Schrute (brillantly played by Rainn Wilson). Even in the not-so-great hour long 4th season episodes, Dwight is that relative that everyone "forgets" to invite to family events but always manages to show up anyway. Of course if you have a Dwight in your family, chances are you have a Jim as well which will lead to dialogue such as:

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.

Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?

Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

MORE SAMPLE DIALOGUE:

Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good.